# I need your guys help with my sons friends death



## bratlabs (Mar 11, 2005)

My 19 yr old sons best friend was killed in car accident Saturday night, drinking and driving. They had 5 kids in the car and the cops said they estimated the cars speed at 130 mph before it hit the ditch and then rolled at least 6 times, driver and passenger were both ejected and killed but the 3 in the back seat walked away. My son was suppose to go out with them but stopped home before meeting them and decided to just stay home thank god. He went to the funeral home tonight to say his last good byes before the cremation and fell apart, now he is just wants to be left alone and my wife is worried and I don't know what to do or say. They have been friends since 1st grade and did everything together, its tearing my wife up seeing our son like this. Anybody that has been in his shoes or my shoes that could give me direction on how to handle this? It would greatly appreciated. Thanks


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## Dick Monson (Aug 12, 2002)

It's a tough one. That is a major life lesson about making responsible decisions and consequences. I hope your son comes to that conclusion. He couldn't have changed the outcome either way. When I was couple years older than that a good friend did the same thing. Takes time.


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## spentwings (Apr 25, 2007)

I'd give him some space and let him grieve,,,but to be safe, I'd also touch base with a psychologist to see what he or she thinks.
We think we know our children,,,but do we really?


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## alleyyooper (Jul 6, 2007)

Takes time for him to grive out. Be willing to shut up and listen to him when he is ready to talk. after about a month suggest doing some thing he enjoys doing. 
And be ready to get him some grief counsleing if he doesn't start comeing out of it soon.

 Al


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## bratlabs (Mar 11, 2005)

Thanks for the input guys. We are giving him space but keeping close tabs on him. He loves waterfowling and our early goose season opens Sept 1st so hopefully that helps him deal with it or atleast not think about it for a little bit. I also found out a friend of mine had a friend in school commit suicide the first day of senior year, Im going to try getting my son to talk to him. They both may have the same feelings and thoughts so hopefully he can get my son to open up about it. Thanks again guys


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## bratlabs (Mar 11, 2005)

Here is the news story if anybody is interested in reading it.

http://www.channel3000.com/news/3-kille ... index.html


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## the professor (Oct 13, 2006)

Time and space. Let him know you're there for him when ever he needs anything. Don't be overbearing.


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## GGTB (Jun 20, 2012)

the professor said:


> Time and space. Let him know you're there for him when ever he needs anything. Don't be overbearing.


X2

I lost my little brother to suicide, and it took me a LONG time to come back from it. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die, but my mother would not let me. She was my rock.

Be his rock. Let him know you are there, and ready to talk, any time of the day. Don't push him to talk, or deal with it. Let him come to peace with it on his own time. While death is so permanent, the pain and sorrow associated with it will become less and less. Tell him to keep his chin up, and keep looking forward. It's the only way to come back from horrible disasters such as this.

Prayers sent for the families and individuals involved.


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## gander_lander34 (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm so sorry to hear about your son's friend. I HATE to say this, but that will be a lesson he never forgets the rest of his life when it comes to drinking and driving. Some of life's lessons are learned the hard way like this. I hate it when it has to happen like that. That being said, just like all the other posts, give him his time and space to grieve. However, don't let him get too detached from everything. When you have nothing but time and your by yourself as most of us as hunter's know, all you do is think. Trust me, you can come up with some wazoo scenarios and you can what if things till you're blue in the face. Be there for your son. Be his rock as one post put it. You've already made tons of headway by recognizing what he is going through and asking for help versus ignoring it and letting it "run it's course" like some people may be inclined to do. Give him his space but don't "shut him out" so to speak if that makes sense. Let him know you're there for him. When he does decide to talk, do one thing and one thing only, listen to him and encourage him to talk. Don't say the what if's or make him feel judged or anything like that. The last thing you want is for him to shut down. Also, I know you're his parent, but also be prepared for the case if he doesn't want to talk to you and he feels the need or want to speak to someone else. You have to allow him to speak with whomever he feels comfortable enough to do it with.

Death is a very hard thing to deal with especially under those circumstances. On another forum I belong to a father asked what to do about his son who came back from Afghanistan and won't talk about things. Currently being there now, I told him that what we experience over here, only a select group of individuals knows what we have done and how we feel about things and therefore, they're really the only ones that we talk to about things like that. Reason I say that is to emphasize my last point. Don't be surprised and don't take it personal if the person he deems to want to speak to about this isn't you or his mother.


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## bratlabs (Mar 11, 2005)

His friends seem to be a strong support system for each other right now so we aren't pushing him to talk to us or let us know what hes thinking except what he wants to tell us. He is the usual 19 yr old boy.... cant show weakness, but he let it out last night when talking with his mom which was kind of a relief to know that it wasn't getting bottled up. Thanks again for everyones input and suggestions, they did help. Gander lander34...thanks for what you do over there and be safe.


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## blhunter3 (May 5, 2007)

Space, and just let him talk when he decides to talk. Maybe go out scouting a few times. That is always good "man time".Don't bring it up unless he does. Everyone is different.


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## ac700wildcat (Oct 30, 2006)

I can relate to your sons story somewhat. I lost my oldest brother in a car accident when I was 20. We were really close and he wasn't just my brother, he was a great friend and role model. Anyways, I think what everyone has suggested is good advice. Give him some space and let him know that you are there for him if he needs a shoulder to cry on. Remind him of this once in a while, but don't crowd him. After my brother died it took me a week or two to even want to see any of my friends, but it definitely helped to be around them. If he seems to be coming around maybe see if he wants to go do something with you. Even if you don't talk it will be nice for him to know you are there for him.


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## zettler (Sep 7, 2002)

I think everyone has said what the best advice is and while allowing him space and time to grieve do not miss out on an opportunity to get him out and about just the two of you where he might be more willing to talk.

More than 20 years ago I was in ND with friends and headed back to Kramer from a night out in Minot when we came upon a truck that had flipped over and the five or so teenage boys were stranded in the darkness with at least one injured that needed immediate attention. We loaded them into out van/truck and took them to the closest town (no cell phones and fewer people back then) and got help at a local bar - we didn't even ask if alcohol was involved.

I then took the one young man to find his parents. The Father started to jump the son for the accident and I interrupted and reminded him they were ALL alive and relatively uninjured hoping that everyone would learn from this event All too often we let our emotions get the best of us and right now you are being concerned but cautious and hopefully all will work out.

Condolences to the two who did not come home...


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