# Hunting Jokes



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

Had some of these sent to me this AM.

STRAY SHOTS:
After marrying a much younger woman, a 93-year-old man visited his doctor and announced that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a lion charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the lion, he shot and killed the animal on the spot."
"Impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Somebody else must have shot!"
"Exactly," replied the doctor.


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

THE POACHER:
An old man is arrested by a game warden that caught him roasting a bald eagle over a campfire. All of the feathers, head, and feet were nearby, and the man admitted that it was indeed a bald eagle that he was about to eat.
When his day in court came, the old man was quickly convicted but pled for mercy on the grounds that he'd taken the bird for subsistence in a survival situation. The judge complied, giving the man probation, a small fine, and crediting him for time served. Before letting him leave, though, the judge asked the man to his chambers. He asked, just out of curiosity, what bald eagle tasted like? To which the old man replied,
"Oh, a little bit like Condor."


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

A guy awoke one morning and discovered his prize black Labrador was not moving. He called his vet who asked him to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure?", the distraught man asked. "He is a great hunting dog, a field champion in fact. Isn't there anything else you can do?" The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead." 
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the man sighed and asked, "How much do I owe you?" 
"That will be $1,030," the vet replied. 
"I don't believe it!!!", screamed the man, "what did you do that cost $1,030???" 
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,000 for the cat scan."


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

THE HUNTING DOGS VI:
A group of professional men had finished a day's hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners.
The musician's dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata.
The engineer's dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust, and the lawyer's dog was screwing all the rest.


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

TOP 10 REASONS HUNTING IS BETTER THAN SEX:

10. Once you shoot your wad, its quick to reload.
9. You can pick the size of your gun.
8. Once you tag it, no one else can touch it.
7. You can tell it's legal by the size of the rack.
6. You clean the meat before you eat it.
5. Hunting lasts from sunrise to sundown.
4. Your gun will never go limp on you.
3. If you bag a big one, you can tell your friends.
2. You can always find good bush.
1. Your favorite piece can be mounted on your wall.


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

TOP TEN WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR HYPOCRITICAL, PETA-SUPPORTING NYC NEIGHBORS:

10. Drive down Broadway with your deer tied to the hood of your car.
9. Hang your unbutchered kill from your fire escape to drain.
8. Show off your fashionable new deerhide moccasins.
7. Use the politically correct paradox--invite them over for a low-fat, low-cholesterol venison dinner. 
(Be sure to play "Bambi" on your VCR afterwards.)
6. Don't shower after four days in the woods.
5. Mount your deerhead over your fireplace.
4. Set out your hunting magazines on your coffee table.
3. Ask them if you can take their dog hunting with you.
2. Ask them if you can take their children hunting with you.
And our number one way to piss off your do-gooder, hypocritical, PETA-supporting NYC neighbors:
1. Join the NRA.


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

TOP TEN CLUES YOU'VE GOTTEN TOO CLOSE TO THE WILDLIFE:

10). You bet your friend your bear claw scars are uglier than his.
9). When someone invades your campsite, you drop to your hands and knees and chase him away. 
8). You smell the rattlesnake before you hear it. 
7). You get the urge to gather nuts and your husband is afraid!
6). You stand in the middle of the stream and catch trout with your "bear" hands.
5). You realize that for once, that odor is not your husband.
4). The skunks have upgraded your trash cans to include a sneeze guard. 3). The cougar you've spotted is fogging up your binoculars. 
2). You've ditched your pack, clothes and boots, put on a loin cloth, and changed your name to Tarzan.
1). When your wife says you are such a "dear," you become nervous that she means to mount your head on the wall.


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

TEN WAYS TO TELL IF JUNIOR IS A HUNT-A-HOLIC: 
1. As a baby, he preferred sucking on a deer grunt tube rather than a pacifier.
2. He dressed up as Ted Nugent for halloween.
3. When he discovered girls, he started using a cover scent instead of cologne.
4. His school science fair project was on "How To Taxidermy Your Game At Home."
5. He put his science fair award on the shelf next to his bullet collection.
6. His subscription to Field and Stream doesn't run out until 2049.
7. Instead of baseball statistics, he quotes the measurements of top ten scoring Boone and Crockett bucks- both typical and atypical.
8. He does his school book reports on: Whitetail Population Studies and Feed Suppliment effects on Antler Development.
9. He ended up in detention because he used his fists to defend his right to wear his favorite t-shirt; which reads "Man didn't get to the top of the food chain by eating vegetables."
10. He'll only go to college when they come up with a major in "Taking Trophy Bucks."


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

" D I A R Y O F A D E E R H U N T "

T I M E / A C T I V I T Y

0100 Alarm goes off and scares HELL out of me.
0200 Hunting partner arrives-dragging me from bed.
0230 Throw everything in truck execpt kitchen sink.
0300 Leave for DEEP DEEP woods.
0315 Drive back home to pick up gun.
0330 Drive like hell to get to woods before dawn.
0400 Set up camp-- Forgot the tent.
0430 Head for the woods.
0605 See 8 deer walking slowly.
0606 Take aim and very gently squeeze trigger.
0607 "CLICK"..... goes the gun.
0608 Load gun while seeing dear run fast overhill.
0800 Head back to camp.
0900 Still looking for camp.
1000 Realize I don't know where camp is.
N O O N Fire gun for help.-- Eat wild berries,, Good.
1215 Run out of bullets... 8 deer return.
1220 Very strange feeling in stomach.
1230 Realize berries were poison. 
1245 RESCUED.
1255 Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
1500 Arrive back at camp. 
1530 Leave to kill deer.
1600 Return to camp for bullets.
1601 Load gun -- Leave camp again.
1709 Empty gun on squirrel that kept bugging me.
1800 Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing in camp.
1801 Load gun. 
1802 Fire gun.
1803 One dead pick-up truck.
1805 Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer.
1806 Repress desire to shoot hunting partner.
1807 Fall into fire.
1810 Change clothes-Throw burned clothes into fire.
1815 Take truck - Leave hunting partner and deer in camp.
1825 Pick-up boils over, hole in block.
1826 Start walking.
1830 Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud. 
1835 Meet BIG bear.
1836 Take careful aim at bear.
1837 Fire gun - blow up barrel- plugged with mud.
1838 Mess pants and climb a nearby oak tree.
2100 Bear finally leaves, wrap gun around big tree.
M I D N I G H T Home at last................

NEXT DAY Watch football game on television while slowly tearing up hunting license into VERY small pieces - placing into envelope to mail to Game Department next day with VERY detailed instructions on where to place pieces.


----------



## djleye (Nov 14, 2002)

God, you work even less than I do!!!!! :lol:


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

CONFUCIUS SAY:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

CONFUCIUS SAY AGAIN:
Give a man a fish and he will have dinner for one day. Teach a man to fish and he will be late for dinner.


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

Confucius say:
Man who take woman camping has one intent.


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

WHY DO WOMEN LIKE HUNTERS? 
Because they always go deep in the bush, they can shoot twice, and they always eat what they take.


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

Here's one I need to remember!

DON'T PLAN YOUR HUNTING HONEYMOON IN OBLONG:
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.


----------



## curty (Sep 18, 2003)

:rollin: :rollin:


----------



## buchwheat (Feb 8, 2005)

N-non
A-athletic
S-sports
C-created
A-around
R-********
:beer:


----------



## diver_sniper (Sep 6, 2004)

omg! the deer hunting diary thing made me fall out of my chair, i love it! :toofunny: :toofunny: :toofunny: :toofunny: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:


----------



## Trapper62 (Mar 3, 2003)

"Clever Fisherman"

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish.

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them
swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets,
and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked. ~~~~~


----------



## take EM' close (Oct 21, 2004)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Awesome jokes guys!


----------



## zogman (Mar 20, 2002)

Old Zoggy finally decided to take a vacation.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life -- until the boat sank.
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.
In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
Ed is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean .", he swallows excitedly; "I can check the Nodak outdoors web sitel from here?!"


----------



## qwakwhaker883 (Jan 19, 2005)

:toofunny: Great jokes guys!!! :toofunny:


----------



## quackattack (Sep 27, 2003)

Zogman, 
:lol: Did you make that one up yourself? :lol: good jokes guys
:beer:


----------



## zogman (Mar 20, 2002)

No it was sent to me. I just give it my own spin. :beer:


----------



## Lil Sand Bay (Feb 2, 2005)

Last November on opening day I bumped into two guys from Milwaukee, (substitute your favorite here)
They had a nice ten point down and were dragging it out by it's hind legs.
"You know guys, if you'd drag it by the horns it would go a lot easier."
"Yeh, we tried that for a long time, but we just kept getting further from the truck."


----------

