# A Little Humor



## Longshot (Feb 9, 2004)

Two things they teach Marines:

1. Keep your priorities in order
2. Know when to act without hesitation

A college professor, an avowed atheist, was teaching his class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes." 
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." 
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! The students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

One Nation Under God

:lol:


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

AMEN !!!


----------



## MossyMO (Feb 12, 2004)

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so 
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have 
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. 
For example, one evening last week, my wife and I were getting into 
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't 
feel like it, I just want you to hold me." 
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" 
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who 
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" 
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not 
in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your 
physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The 
very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We 
went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a 
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried 
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one 
to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to 
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We 
went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond 
earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave 
short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she 
asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I 
think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was 
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. 
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all 
dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel 
like it." 
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 
"WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. 
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to 
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." 
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why 
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.


----------



## ND_RC (Jan 6, 2005)

:rollin: :rollin:


----------



## Longshot (Feb 9, 2004)

Good one MossyMO!  :lol: :beer:


----------



## qwakwhaker883 (Jan 19, 2005)

:toofunny: :toofunny:


----------



## jamartinmg2 (Oct 7, 2004)

A man and his dog are shipwrecked onto a deserted island. After a few days he decides to reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself: 'I'll never be that desperate.'

Sooooo, a few days later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps to, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself. This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy is really getting ****** at the dog.

Suddenly one day, the man spies a liferaft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, half dead but alive. He takes her back to his hut revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her....

She confronts the man: 'I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want'

'Anything?'

'Anything!!'

'OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!'


----------



## Remmi_&amp;_I (Dec 2, 2003)

Awesome joke! :toofunny: :bowdown: :jammin:


----------



## jamartinmg2 (Oct 7, 2004)

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to 
the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

> >


----------



## MSG Rude (Oct 6, 2003)

A newly-wed couple were undressing for their 'first' night as man and wife. As the man took his pants off he threw them to his new wife and said, "Here, put these on." She took the pants and slid them over her shaply thighs and hips and exclaimed, "I can't fill these pants!" to which the husband replied, "That's right and remember that too!"

The new wife, not to be out done and wanting to keep things in perspective for her new husband, slips off her skimpy thong underwear and throws them to the husband with an exclamation, "Here honey, put these on." The man struggles to slid the dental-floss thin undergarments over his thighs and exclaims, "I can't get into these!" At this the wife says. "Thats right and with your attitude you NEVER will!"


----------



## MossyMO (Feb 12, 2004)

Jack goes to the US. Post Office to apply for a job. 
The interviewer asks Jack, "Have you been in the service?" 
"Yes," he says. "I was a Mechanic in the Navy." 
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" 
Jack says, "Yes 100%...a flare exploded near me and blew my testicles off." 
The interviewer tells Jack, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM." 
Jack is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M." 
. . . . "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that."


----------



## woodpecker (Mar 2, 2005)

zzzzzzzzz


----------



## MossyMO (Feb 12, 2004)

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in .

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same airy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her -- the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"


----------



## buckseye (Dec 8, 2003)

:toofunny: Thats always been a classic :toofunny:


----------



## buckseye (Dec 8, 2003)

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?

YOUR GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."


----------



## djleye (Nov 14, 2002)

Guy rides his horse into town, gets off walks around the backside of the horse and sticks his finger up the horses *** and rubs it on his lips. He goes into the bar has a few drinks and walks back out sticks his finger up the horses *** and rubs it on his lips. Guy on the balcony witnesses the whole scene and walks down to talk. He says, "what the hell are you doing with the horses ***"? The guys says that he has chapped lips. The other guy says, "that helps them"? and the guy replys.........."nah, it just keeps me from licking them"!!


----------



## waterwolf (Oct 15, 2003)

A farmers prize rooster dies, so the farmer starts looking for another. He drives over to his neighbors and asks if they have one for sale. The other farmers says "I do, but it likes to sc**w all of my other animals". Well the first farmer says "oh had bad can it be", and buys the rooster.

He takes him home, and sets him free. The rooster takes off and tries to get a little lovin' from all the other animals. This goes on for days...

Finally the farmer is so mad, he catches the rooster, lays him on his back and ties him down in the middle of the farm yard and says "because you won't stop harrassing the other animals you will stay tied until tomorrow"

The next day the farmer wakes up, looks out the window and there is no movement in the rooster. He quick throws on his boots and bolts out the door. He gets to the rooster and says "Oh no! I have killed the rooster".
Just then one eye opens on the rooster, and the rooster points in the air and says "Shhhhhhhhhhhh.......Turkey vultures.


----------



## Gohon (Feb 14, 2005)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in 
heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the 
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


----------



## sierra03 (Jan 27, 2005)

Man guys keep these coming they are awesome to read. I need a chuckle, trust me this feels good


----------



## MossyMO (Feb 12, 2004)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in 
heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the 
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


----------



## Deermeister (Feb 7, 2005)

The horse and the chicken

A horse and a chicken lived on a farm and were the best of friends. They would do everything together. One day they were walking through the pasture when the horse fell into a bog and started sinking. The horse told the chicken to go back to the farm and get the farmer to come get me out! Quick before I sink! So the chicken did as he was told but getting back to the farm noticed the farmer had taken the only tractor to town. But the chicken did notice the farmers Harley Davidson sitting by the barn. So the chicken hopped on the Harley and turned the key and sure enough, it started. He then grabbed a rope and took the Harley out to the horse, who was still above ground. The chicken threw the rope to the horse, who got a hold of the rope, and then tied the other end to the back fender of the Harley. He proceeded to go forward slowly and got the horse out. Quickly they took the bike back to the farm and the farmer was none the wiser.
A couple days later they were walking in the pasture again when the chicken fell into a sink hole. He started sinking fast and yelled to the horse to go get the farmer to get me out. The horse, thinking quickly, straddled the puddle and told the chicken to grab onto the hangy-down thingy. So he got a good grip and the horse pulled him right out.

The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley Davidson to get chicks.
:lost:


----------



## Deermeister (Feb 7, 2005)

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." :lame:


----------



## Buckshot (Nov 5, 2003)

A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual. He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?
The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband cheats and has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her. 
The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."


----------



## Bob Kellam (Apr 8, 2004)

Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the

United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no blee-din way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."


----------



## woodpecker (Mar 2, 2005)

zzzzzzzzz


----------



## Bob Kellam (Apr 8, 2004)

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes,charter
a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlanta.The
brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus.The blonde team rides on the
top level.

The brunette team down below is partying and having a great time when
one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the
top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at
the road, and clutching the seat in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard, and says,
"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"


----------



## MossyMO (Feb 12, 2004)

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" the doctor asks.

"Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that!"


----------



## djleye (Nov 14, 2002)

Man walk into a bar and asks for a drink. He hears the most beautiful music he has ever heard coming from behind the bar. He looks down and seea a guy one foot tall playing a toy piano. He asks the bartender about it and he says that he has a genie in a bottle. The bartender tells him he can rub the lamp and get one wish. The guy rubs the lamp and all of a sudden.........POOF.......the genie comes out and tells the guy he gets one wish. The guy thinks for a minute and he says "I want a million bucks"! The genie says go out and look in the parking lot. The guy goes out and sees a million ducks walking around. The guy gets kinda PO'd and walks back in and asks the bartender why he didn't let him know the genie was hard of hearing. The bartender yells back at the guy............"do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist"?????????


----------

