# Chile cookoff



## zogman (Mar 20, 2002)

Judging at The Bad Kreuznach Chili Cook-Off

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in 
my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to 
do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I 
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the 
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that 
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have 
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those 
burdens you endure. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:. Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

KENNEDY: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint 
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope 
that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken 
seriously.

KENNEDY: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am 
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to 
give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. 
The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so 
irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started 
to twitch.

She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick 
a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

KENNEDY: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a 
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows 
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer 
wagon.

Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my 
chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." They probably call her 
"Forklift" behind her back.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish 
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

KENNEDY: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to 
taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have 
to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and 
uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding 
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit 
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

KENNEDY: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I 
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant 
seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally 
saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of 
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of 
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. 
Superb.

KENNEDY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous 
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if 
she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers 
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he 
appears to be in a bit of distress.

KENNEDY: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and 
I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like 
it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid 
unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good. At the autopsy they'll know 
what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our 
children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop 
breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need 
air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files 
people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor 
hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled 
the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nicely blended chili, safe for 
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

KENNEDY: Momma?

:beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer:


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