# Little Johnny Jokes



## zogman (Mar 20, 2002)

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses.? She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks
they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face.??Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then
began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny.? "Giving up?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his
father.? He watched as his father moved from horse to
horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs,
rump, and chest.? After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
"Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I
have to make sure that they are healthy and in good
shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad,

I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


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## MossyMO (Feb 12, 2004)

A teacher asked her students to use the word FASCINATE in a sentence. 
Marta said, My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals.

The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted the word FASCINATE

Sarita raised her hand.

She said, My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals.

That's good, too, said the teacher, but I wanted the word FASCINATE.

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn't damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.

Johnny said proudly, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight! 
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A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. 
At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, oh miss, oh miss! with his arm pumping.

Yes, Johnny, what is it? she asked, trying to remain calm.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, At our house, we have everything.

Don't be silly," the teacher replied, not even the richest man has everything.

We do, he answered, My daddy said so the other day.

Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said, God, that's all we needed. 
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Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests." Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-%*^#!"


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## bratlabs (Mar 11, 2005)

This isnt a little johnny joke, but its a pretty good one.

>
>Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
>Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of 
>land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman 
>once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total 
>peace and quiet.
>
>After six months or so of almost total isolation,someone knocks on 
>his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.
>
>"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road ...Having a 
>Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 
>5:00."
>
>"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some 
>local folks. Thank you."
>
>As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be 
>some drinkin'."
>
>"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can 
>drink with the best of 'em."
>
>Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna 
>be some fightin' too."
>
>"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
>Thanks again."
>
>"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
>
>"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea 
>"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By 
>the way, what should I wear?"
>
>"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

I wasnt gonna post this one but what the hell.

A guy wakes up early one morning and decides to go hunting, so he nudges his sleeping wife and asks "honey, wanna go huntin'?" She says "NO". He waits a couple minutes then asks again and gets the same response. He then tells his wife "if ya dont wanna go huntin then you can either give me a bj or Im gonna stick ya in the a$$." the wife thinks for a minute and decides on the bj. She no more then starts when she comes up spitting and gagging. The guy asks whats the matter, and she says " it tastes like $h1t" The guy, with a smerk on his face says "yea, the dog didnt what to go either"  :rollin:


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## 4CurlRedleg (Aug 31, 2003)

Heres on for you Bratlabs,

Three Labrador retrievers- a brown, a yellow and a black- are sitting in the vets office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replys, "I'm a psser, I p on everything, the sofa, the drapes, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pssd in the middle of my owners bed.
The black lab replys,"so what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are perscribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the heck of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquires.
"Looks like Prozac for me to." the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrant, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just could'nt help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you to, huh?"
The black lab say, "No, I'm just here to have my nails clipped."


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## angus (Mar 5, 2004)

Little Johnny's neighbors have a new baby. Mother and child are doing fine but the baby is born with no ears. After their return from the hospital the new parents invite little Johnny and his parents to view the new arrival. Johnny's dad takes him aside and tells little Johnny that the baby was born without ears and if he says anything about it..in fact, if he even mentions the word ears..he'll get the spanking of a lifetime. Little Johnny takes a look at the baby and proclaims "he has beautiful little toes and beautiful little fingers but tell me how's his eyesight". Mom is a little confused by the question, but says his eyesight is fine, why do you ask little Johnny. "'Cause if he has to wear glasses, he's gonna be screwed".


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## KEN W (Feb 22, 2002)

Johnny and his dad are walking through the park one day,when they see 2 dogs hooked up.

Johnny says...."dad,dad, what are those two dogs doing?"

Dad says...."Oh they're making puppies."

Johhny says..."OK"

The next morning Johhny wakes up earlier than usual and wonders into his parent's bedroom.He sees dad on top of mom and says...."dad,dad, what are you doing?"

Thinking fast dad says...."we are making you a baby brother."

Johhny scatches his head and replys...."well role her over,I'd rather have a puppy."


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## MossyMO (Feb 12, 2004)

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, was rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys and he wondered what it was like and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, his mother told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mom. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile then he turned off most of the lights. He then started hugging and kissing her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would do. He was not as smart as a doctor because he seemed to be having trouble finding it. "I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it in her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch. This is when the fever started. "I knew it was the fever because Sis said she felt real hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. "When Sis saw it, she got real scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling to God and stuff. She said it was the biggest one she ever saw...... I should have told her about the one down at the lake. "Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while her boyfriend took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel`s head to keep it from biting again. "Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess he wanted to kill it by squeezing it between them. "After a while they both quit moving and a great sigh came forth. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, the eel was dead. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp with some of its insides hanging out. "Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyways. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly the eel wasn`t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats with 9-lives. "This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis`s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet....."


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## Springer (Dec 21, 2004)

Ed Zachery Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong
with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known
Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw
reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she
was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As 
she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf 
Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or
dates.

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ***."


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## quackattack (Sep 27, 2003)

"The Checkout Line"
> 
> 
> A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she 
> selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange 
> juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. 
> package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to 
> check out, a 
> drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of 
> the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk 
> calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by 
> this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, 
> since she was indeed single.She looked at her six items on the belt and 
> saw nothing particularly 
> unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her 
> marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you 
> know what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that? 
> The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

QUICK THINKING IS IMPORTANT!!! 
> > 
> > A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and
> > asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that 
> > department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The 
> > man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. 
> > 
> > Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some 
> a$$hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." 
> > The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. 
> > 
> > Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on 
> > their feet here. Where are you from son?" 
> > 
> > "Canada, sir," the boy replied. 
> > 
> > "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. 
> > 
> > The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." 
> > 
> > "Really," replied the manager. "My wife is from Canada!" 
> > 
> > "No $hit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"


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## quackattack (Sep 27, 2003)

A middle-aged man bought a brand new Mercedes 
> > convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it up 
> > to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what 
> > little hair he had left on his head. 
> > "This is great," he thought, and floored it some more. 
> > He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a New 
> > York State Trooper behind him, red lights flashing and 
> > siren blasting. 
> > "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the 
> > man, and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 130 mph! 
> > Then he thought, "What am I 
> > doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing," and 
> > pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the 
> > State Trooper to catch up with him. 
> > The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked 
> > up to the man. 
> > "Sir," he said, looking at his watch, "My shift ends 
> > in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you 
> > can give me a good reason for why you were speeding 
> > that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." 
> > The man looked up at the Trooper and said: "Last week 
> > my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought 
> > you were bringing her back." 
> > The State Trooper replied: "Have a nice day."


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## bratlabs (Mar 11, 2005)

4CurlRedleg said:


> Heres on for you Bratlabs,
> 
> I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything.


 :rollin: :thumb:


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## sotaman (Apr 6, 2004)

It has been found that little Johnny is getting abused by his parents. So little Johnny is taken into State services. He soon apears in front of a judge to determine where he should live. The judge looks over his bench and says little johnny we all know why you are here in front of this court today. The judge goes on about the abuse he has received including the beatings.. The judge then asks little johnny where he would like to live and sure enought little Johnny scrathes his chin and says judge I would like to live with the Green Bay Packers because they can't beat anyone.. bada bing..


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## sotaman (Apr 6, 2004)

A Boy's Lament

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl
with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced
me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big ****.


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## sotaman (Apr 6, 2004)

This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. 
============= 
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. 
============= 
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. 
============= 
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! 
============= 
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. 
============= 
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! 
============= 
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM. 
============= 
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. 
============= 
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. 
============= 
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever. 
============= 
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.


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## sotaman (Apr 6, 2004)

Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have these two girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment. One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk. Ole turns to Sven and asks,"Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?"

Sven says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf. Let's go ask em!"

So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door. Lena answers and says, "Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!"

Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us."

Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them. Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again.

Lena isn't stupid. She knows it's Ole and says, "Ole if you are gonna be so forward, I am not going to let you in, you have to talk through the keyhole."

So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven are you girls gonna make out vit us?"

Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and "breaks wind."

Ole is backing up and shaking his head, and Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?"

Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said TOOOOSDAY ... but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin again."


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## sotaman (Apr 6, 2004)

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. 
The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know
is I'm here."
The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spat on me, so I broke it's neck, cracked it's eggs, and set it's nest on fire!"
Moral of the story - Never lie to girls.


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## sotaman (Apr 6, 2004)

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three 
> likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches 
> to see what they do with the money. 
> 
> The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets 
> her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up 
> very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more 
> attractive for him because she loves him so much. 
> 
> The man was impressed. 
> 
> The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of 
> golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive 
> clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent 
> all the money on him because she loves him so much. 
> Again, the man is impressed. 
> 
> The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times 
> the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in 
> a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future 
> because she loves him so much. 
> 
> Obviously, the man was impressed. 
> The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the 
> money he'd given her. 
> 
> Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. 
> Men are like that, you know. 
> 
> There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than 
> on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a 
> large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and 
> absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


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## sotaman (Apr 6, 2004)

This horse walks into a bar

Never mind


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## apeterson (Aug 3, 2005)

Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the 
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up --fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly sent the 
other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said Johnny,
He plays football for the Greenbay Packers, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."


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