# Need opinions and perspective



## outdoorsmanwife (Nov 13, 2012)

Hi everyone! I have an issue that's on my mind and would like to receive some opinions and suggestions from those familiar with hunting culture and the hunting lifestyle, as I believe this would provide the best perspective. I have been happily married for two years to a very avid outdoorsman (and especially an avid deer hunter). He was raised in the hunting culture, has been deer hunting literally most of his life, and his father is a hunter as well. We have been together for nearly 10 years, so I've experienced a lot of deer seasons with him. We met at a university we both attended as undergrads and then I began grad school to complete an advanced graduate degree. During a typical deer season, my husband takes several weeks (usually close to 2 months) off of work and spends the vast majority of his time at his parents' home in a rural area 2 hours away from our home so that he can hunt. I have never been bothered by the fact that he is a hunter; in fact, I really do respect his hunting and want to be supportive of him. I have even fully supported him taking trips out of state without me to hunt different types of big game in areas he would never have the opportunity to when drawn, even though money is tight for us (this fall he took a week long trip with his best friend and hunting buddy). Deer seasons have always been a little tough on me with him gone so much and more distant in our relationship than he usually is, but they were easier to cope with when I was in graduate school and had a lot on my plate to finish my degree. However, I'm having a really tough time coping with deer season this year.

I finished grad school this summer and have not yet been able to find a job after school. Additionally, I was required to move by myself hundreds of miles away from our home this past year for 12 months to finish my graduate degree, so that I could provide a decent income and lifestyle for us upon finding a job. My husband was fully supportive of me doing this and encouraged me to do this in order to finish my degree. During this time, we saw each other in person no more than once a month because we couldn't afford it (and went two months without seeing each other during deer season). We have relied on him to support us financially since we got married 2 years ago because of my involvement in grad school. I fully and totally respect my husband and the sacrifices he made to help me get through grad school; however, this deer season, he is so emotionally distant and underinvolved in our relationship and does the bare minimum. I definitely feel neglected in the relationship since deer season began and this distresses me. Not a lot of maintenance has been done on our home with me having been in grad school and him having been in the house alone and working at his job for a year, so I'm trying to catch up and finding myself slightly overwhelmed. The bigger issue for me though is my infertility.

I have a chronic illness (genetic metabolic disorder) that causes infertility in many women. I was diagnosed with this illness several months after I met my husband and he knew at that time that the disease was likely to cause difficulty conceiving. He never seemed especially concerned about this--just said he wanted to be a father someday, but never appeared extremely excited about the prospect of having kids. (To be fair, he's kind of emotionally even-keeled anyways.) We have been trying to conceive for just under a year now and I have just been told after several medical interventions that my ability to conceive is becoming more dire. I had to schedule an appointment with a nationally-renowned specialist in my condition at a major medical school who only sees patients two days a week as well as an appointment for my husband to be screened. When I told him that I went ahead and scheduled these so that we could get in, his response was "But that's during the beginning of my two-week deer hunting vacation!" (It wasn't an out-of-town hunting trip.) He groaned, but with me rescheduling his screening, he agreed to go to the screening and the doctor's appointment. (I consider this the bare minimum relationship participation.) I was told at the appointment with him present that I was going to have to change my entire diet and lifestyle to improve the chances that medication to assist my fertility would work. I changed my diet immediately after the appointment. Early the next day, he left again to go deer hunting for two weeks. He has expressed interest in helping me with the dietary and lifestyle changes and learning about this, but never wants to have an extended conversation with me and will say "I've got to go" suddenly and not call back when I call to talk to him. It feels so distant to me, and I am frustrated that I can't seem to connect with him while he is hunting. This past weekend, I spent time with his mother (who stayed overnight at our house) and drove her around in an unfamiliar area for a day and a half while he was hunting because she was afraid to do it herself. I raised some of my concerns with his distance and absence from home, and her response was "Well, at least he's not out doing drugs, drinking, or [womanizing]," which I feel missed the point. I drove to his parents' house to spend the weekend with him last weekend and try to have some time to connect with him. He chose to hunt most of the time during this weekend and watched a DVD with me when he wasn't hunting. He didn't even want me sitting right next to him on the couch. His parents also seem out of touch, as his father would plop down right next to him on the couch to talk about hunting, literally shutting me out, and his mother would say "What?" from the other room when I was obviously trying to have a quiet conversation with him. When I privately voiced my concerns that I felt distant from him and somewhat neglected and couldn't wait to have him home, his response was "You're too needy." :******: Well, of course I'm "needy," I've just been told my fertility is dire and pregnancy will be difficult for me, I've had to change my entire diet and lifestyle because of that, I'm having to take care of the house and his hunting dog by myself while trying to find a job, and he's my best friend and closest confidant because he's my husband!!!!! He gets so angry when I say I can't wait for the season to be over and him to be home and essentially says "Well, thanks for rejecting a big part of who I am." I really DON'T reject him hunting and I tell him that (and demonstrate it by my support), but I married a hunter AND a husband and I feel like he's putting WAY more effort into hunting than our relationship. I don't see how hunting season possibly justifies him putting more effort into hunting than our relationship at any point of the year. I'm not a selfish person, but I really feel like I need him focused on our relationship right now because I'm concerned about my fertility, and the diet/lifestyle changes have been hard. I'm doing all this stuff to try and get pregnant with his child (that I want and he says he wants) and he gets more emotionally excited about seeing a big buck on his game camera than about us having a baby. I will never leave his side and will support his hunting, but want him (and frankly, NEED him) to act like a fully-invested husband no matter what is in season, especially now when I need him so much. (By the way, several months ago he refused to go to couples therapy, stating that we couldn't afford it.) I've checked in with him privately regarding his feelings about my fertility problems in case he's using hunting to separate himself from them and he's always said he's okay with it.

My questions are...what am I missing here? Am I really being selfish and "too needy?" Is my expectation that he act like just as much of a fully-invested husband as he is a hunter during deer season unreasonable? Why doesn't he communicate with me during deer season? Why doesn't he respond to my attempts to connect with him and create passion in our relationship? What is the best way for me to communicate with him and demonstrate my genuine understanding and support of him as a hunter while being firm on my boundaries for his behavior toward me? (Again, I will never leave him, but I really wish he would act like a husband first and foremost no matter what season it is.) A final word--while I do support his hunting, I really have no interest in it myself. My favorite hobby is gaming and he says we can't afford for me to buy a new computer (mine is 8 years old) even though he spends significant money on hunting.

Thanks in advance for listening/reading and sharing your opinions. I appreciate it!


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## KurtR (May 3, 2008)

i would bring him a sandwich with a nice little nighty on that might get some attention.


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## outdoorsmanwife (Nov 13, 2012)

I appreciate the suggestion; however, that might be rather difficult as his parents' home where he hunts is 2 hours away from our home and his parents live in a trailer that is rather small with thin walls. I think the idea of being intimate in his parents' home makes him uncomfortable.


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## KurtR (May 3, 2008)

seriously i would sit him down and have him read this. Honesty might hurt but in the long run only way to go. You should write this on fishingbuddy.com alot more people over there and some helpfull guys. Probally get alot more input


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## outdoorsmanwife (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks, Kurt! I really appreciate it.


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## huntin1 (Nov 14, 2003)

Not sure if this is what you want to hear and I am sure that he won't want to hear it. But, in my opinion, he is the one being selfish. I like to hunt as much as anyone, but there is no way that I would let hunting affect family relationships. Personally, I think he needs to grow up and start taking care of business at home, before you get fed up with his crap and find someone else to take care of it for him.

Others opinions may vary, but in mine, your husband is acting like an immature a$$.

huntin1


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## bloodnguts (Nov 22, 2005)

Personally, I think you guys need marriage counseling. You have a lot going on there and have some legitimate concerns. There is no shame in counseling. Many marriages get some counseling, and many more need it but don't get it. I'm not saying counseling will fix everything, because it won't, but it might help with some things and get you guys back on track. One of the things he might say is that you guys don't need counseling. Well, the truth is, if just one of the marriage partners thinks counseling is needed, then counseling IS needed, even if the other doesn't think so. If he won't go, then I would go by yourself.


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## pigeon123 (Sep 25, 2012)

Yes tough situation to say the least and I wish you the best of luck with your health issues.


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## blhunter3 (May 5, 2007)

Too me it sounds like he is either scared of the thought of never having kids or he has completly giving up on the relationship and doesn't have the balls to say so and is trying to push you into bringing up the idea of a divorce. Sounds like a tough road to be driving down right now.


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## Plainsman (Jul 30, 2003)

I tick a lot of mother-in-laws off at weddings because I always tell the bride and groom I'm going to give them the best marriage advise anyone is going to ever give them. Right away I get nasty looks from both mothers. To often mothers think their name is on the marriage certificate also. Then there are these people who write books on successful relationships. The first warming signal is the high use of the word relationship. Also, most of them have been divorced two, three, even five times.

So how do I know I'm giving them the best advise? Seriously? I tell them no one knows them better than the two of them. Talk to each other and don't take the advise of others. To often women are jealous of a woman with a good marriage, and the same with men. Often men give another man advise counter productive to his marriage. I do believe you and your husband know each other better than his parents or your parents or any of your friends. With that said the best advise may come from strangers like people on this site.

Your both going to have strong points and weak points. I would guess there are some things that drive both of you nuts, but at the same time no one is going to compare to the guy or gal you walked down the isle with. It sounds like you have a busy time in your life to get beyond. It sounds like hunting is his release from tensions. Do you feel relaxed after gaming, or hyped up? Find something relaxing because your tension will be his and his yours. Sit down and make a budget for your relaxing things. 33% for him, 33% for you, and 33% for the two of you together. Wishing you both the best.

If you think you need counseling, don't go to anyone you pay. Most often they seen it as lucrative and are more interested in their reputation and their wallet. I think a pastor genuinely will care about both of you more than any psychologically trained councilor. Surprisingly a study done by psychologists paralleled Christian belief. When asked if they could choose only one, respect or love women choose love by 96 to 4 percent. Men were the opposite. Our church sometimes offers training called love and respect. The idea is a man can't love a woman who does not respect him, and a woman can't respect a man who doesn't love her. Anyway, I don't think that's your problem, I just offered it as an item of interest.


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## Habitat Hugger (Jan 19, 2005)

Before I retired, it never ceased to amaze me to see this sort of problem many times. And I've treated genetic metabolic disorder and PCO many many times, too. 
Though the two aren't interrelated, the lack of a supporting spouse makes treatment much more difficult for both you and the treating professionals.
There are two sides to every coin and we've only heard half of it here, but from experience I can see that your marriage and relationship has serious serious problems. Problems that require some intensive serious therapy for both yourself and your husband, and the two of you as a unit. From reading your story I'd be surprised if this is going to happen. 
Ignore the advice to Piet on fishing Buddy, the most *******, gate filled, anti women outdoor website I've seen yet, and being retired and having treated mostly women and marital units all my professional career as well as being an extremely avid outdoorsman, I've seen and explored pretty well every outdoor website on the net. If you are a male chauvinist and want to giggle about short movies of jiggling silicone. Fake breasts, go there, but with any serious martial problems!?! Good grief!,, good place for specific hunting/ fishing advice but anything else, IMO it's the absolute worst! 
Go see a professional counsellor, whether clergy (occasionally you might find a good one, but in my experience they tend to be pretty ineffective with complex complicated problems like yours)!or some good highly recommended counselling service. Do NOT necessarily choose a counsellor on the basis of whether they be male or female. Most are good, but yes, some do keep you coming back and tell you what they think you or your husband want to hear. To find a good one for your situation is really tough! Been there tried to do that for many couples. A counsellor who is great for one couple might bomb on another.
Anyway, I'd advise to stay away from most internet sites. They are full of well meaning, but usually I trained lay individuals and advice you get is usually though tot always, worth what you pay foe it. 
Bottom line! I hate to be a downer......BUT.......Your marital relationship has serious problems. With a serious cancer that s killing you, you don't go blog about it on the internet, or see a naturopath or faith healer. Get serious and get some real help, if possible, though if half of whist you say about your relationship is true, the prognosis in my opinion, based on years of experience, is very guarded at best. Marriage is a give and taker thing for BOTH partners. Yours seem all GIVE from you and all TAKE from him! Brings back memories of my pre retirement life, the bad bang your head against the wall and apologize to women for being a male, part, :******:


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## Plainsman (Jul 30, 2003)

> and apologize to women for being a male, part,


Don't go that far HH. There are good men and good women. There are also bad men and bad women. I don't think gender has anything to do with being selfish. There are some high maintenance women who think only of themselves. I'm not bashing the woman posting here, far from it, but at my age I have seen both.

HH you have very good advise for her I hope she takes it. I can see where you said professional help since part of the problem is physiological. The biggest part is in the head and like you say we have only heard one side of the coin. Because I am a male I'm not saying it's the woman's fault, I'm just being completely honest. I actually wish them both the best of luck. I'm thinking about hunting and shooting all of the time, but as much as I love the mountains I get lonesome for my wife after about five days. I guess I'll have to find a way to talk her into going with me. 

I was coming back from Colorado elk hunting one time and stopped in South Dakota to by my wife some Blackhills Gold. The lady in the shop asked "what did you do so bad that you have to buy your wife this". That really ticked me off and I asked her "can't I buy my wife something simply because I like and missed her". Dumb person. :eyeroll:


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## Habitat Hugger (Jan 19, 2005)

Your story of getting your wife something brings back a story of me stating on a website one time that I have the absolute best wife in the world! Someone asked what I had done to necessitate saying that to presumably make up! Said partly in jest I'm sure, but there is a kind of male stereotype that suggests some males only how appreciation for their wives if they either do something " bad" or want something from them!  usually sex or a new gun or boat! LOL But I'll concede to you Plainsman that you have the second best wife in the world! I have the best, so the second best in the best I'll concede to you! P :wink: 
Back to topic.....I could brag about my wife all day.......Having referred literally hundreds I'd couples for family therapy over the years, I've been pretty disappointed in the results. Why? Not because therapists are not good in what they do, but mostly because people leave counselling far too late! If someone has a small early cancer somewhere that They consult me early, I can fix it! But leave it too long till it's spread from head to toe and usually it's game over! Same with counselling, which has to be the most frustrating profession going! Too often far too little and too late, and sometimes the best one can hope is that the two might learn something of use for early in the next relationship.
One other thing I've learned is that having a baby NEVER helps in the long run. I know you should never say never, but on the basis of 4 to 5 thousand babies delivered I'll say NEVER, and again NEVER! Could be an exception out there somewhere but I've never seen it.
Also, unless BOTH of the couple is willing to see a counsellor and admit something is wrong, it almost never works, except somewhat for the willing spouse similar to a al anon situation when dealing with alcohol problems. BUT, this has a risk of producing a co dependent situation, but this is another story. There are thousands of co dependent women out there, desperately trying to hold the sort of family together. When it works it only magnifies and prolonged the misery.
Ah well, I'll shut up now, and get back to huntin/fishin topics again. Was wandering about the outdoors with my wife and dog yesterday(my two top *****es!) thinking what a wonderful life this is!


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## xdeano (Jan 14, 2005)

It sounds like he is an only child?

xdeano


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## alleyyooper (Jul 6, 2007)

Always amazed at people replying to a nearly 2 year old thread. Well not till Nov 13th any way. By now the problem has been solved one way or another. Either a divorce or a better under standing of each other.

 Al


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